Hunger for Love
( Part 1 : Our Need For Basic Love )
( Psychological Need for Love )
How do we develop our sense of personal worth?
Why do we need to be in loving relationships? & why we end up hurting ourselves in our relationships?
What real love is ? Is it emotions or something else?
In our first part from this series we’re going to understand more about ourselves as humans, why do we need love ?
Do we really feel loved deep inside ?
What are the main factors which have affected our self-image, our sense of being loved or not & our perception about life & the world around us?
Three renowned names will help us find answers to these questions :
Eric Erikson , Ashley Montague and Maurice Wagner
»» Eric Erikson
” The Psychosocial Development “
– In his theory, German psychologist “Erikson” considers the impact of external factors
( like parents) on our personality development from infancy to adulthood. He explained that every person must pass through eight stages; each stage has its own specific needs, fulfilling the needs of each stage leads to successfully moving to the next level by overcoming each stage’s crisis; thus building up a healthy personality that can face life
& its threats & obstacles bravely & creatively, while failing to fulfilling these needs can result in a reduced ability in facing these crises; therefore leading to unhealthy personality and deformed sense of self ; which will lead to unhealthy relationships.
( To read more about the 8 stages; refer to this link: https://www.verywell.com/trust-versus-mistrust-2795741)
– Our main need when we were infants was the need for ” Basic love “, meeting this need ascertains to the child his existence & makes him feel that he is ” Somebody ”
(i.e.: he exists). It is met especially in the first 5 years of our childhood & it totally differs than our need for love as adults. It is the cornerstone of our personality & the backbone of our lifespan.
This basic love consists of 3 pivotal axes:
(1) Sense of safety & security, which leads to
(2) Sense of acceptance & belonging; which leads to:
(3) Sense of Value.
When this need is consistently met; the child will learn to trust his caregivers; hence this will develop the sense of existing as “somebody” who is: safe, accepted & valued; thus affecting positively on his behavior in life & in relationships later on.
On the contrary; failing to meet this need consistently; the child will begin to mistrust the people around him, doubting in himself & his value, developing feelings of rejection, fear, insecurity & inferiority; carrying all these negative feelings further in his life & relationships.
Then, how this basic hunger for this need is met ?
» » Ashley Montague
” Touching, The Human Significance of the Skin “
Anthropologist Ashley Montagu mentions in his amazing book “Touching, The human Significance of the Skin” the main key in conveying parents’ love to their kids; which is: touching. He says:
” Where touching begins, there love and humanity also begin – within the first minutes following birth. ”
Of course each person has his own love language, but basic love is met by the availability & the proximity of physical contact from the parents ( especially the mother ) to the baby
( starting from the first hours & days after birth). The sense of security, belonging
& acceptance is met when a mom lovingly, warmly touches & cuddles her baby, this makes him feels that he is an important person to his parents & that he’s worth to be loved
& taken care of & the world outside is not awful.
But what if the child’s needs were not met? What danger do we carry to our relationships when this hunger for Basic Love is not fulfilled?
We’ll cover this point on our second part from this series.
*To read all parts from this series; please click here:
Erikson, Eric. Touching, The human Significance of the Skin