Are you involved in an abusive relationship?!!
( Part 1 : A Real-life story )
She came to my office asking for help: a nice looking young lady in her thirties who had just got out of a broken relationship, which she described as confusing. She wanted to know what she had done wrong that drove this relationship off the cliff.
Let’s consider few parts of our conversations during several sessions:
* Me: describe how you feel now
She: Confused, worn out, shocked, bleak & hopeless
* Me: Well, this is the result of your last relationship. Tell me more about it.
She: We started as friends. But he wanted more, so he always tried to point out the common traits & – as expected- I fell in love with him, so he did admit it to me. Then our love relationship started. He used to assure me that God was blessing our relationship and that I was the perfect match.
For a couple of months he was so sweet with me. We had our small disagreements, but he was very clever in handling them on the spot. Whenever we clashed, he assured me that this is normal in any relationship & that he was glad seeing me working it out with him
* Me: what kind of clashes did you have?
She: At first he was very bossy; for example, he might call me saying, “I’ll finish work late. Don’t sleep as I need you”. When he called, usually being tired and feeling angry at his bossy ways , we had a clash. Finally, he understood that I don’t like this bossy tone, he started to say “please”.
* Me: Good
She: Yes, but he continued pressing by asking me to do what he wanted by using other ways. For example, he used to tell how lonely and sad he felt whenever I was not with him; how I should spend more time with him, how essential it was to reply immediately to his texting, even at work; how I should leave him run conversations his way & not to interrupt at all, & how I should comply with his numerous demands in order to prove that I really love him.
* Me: & did you comply?
She: at the beginning there were things I refused to do as I didn’t want to, but then he started to accuse me that I want things to go my way & that I need to be more romantic & to play along with him when he wanted me to; So out of my love to him I had to comply.
* Me: what other sort of clashes did you both have?
She: He used to call me names despite knowing that I don’t like it even if out of fun, but he justified himself that it was merely a joke. In one of our romantic moments, all of a sudden, he turned to a raging monster, insulting me & mocking & telling me that I need a therapy. When I tried to step back until he cools down, I found that he remained angry for days.
* Me: Did you talk with him about it?
She: Yes, I told him how this made me feel insecure & afraid of him, so he became very ‘sweet’ to me, admitting that this was a point of weakness in him, asking me to bear it as he was trying to change. This made me love him even more, and because I knew we all have flaws; I forgave him & expressed how I still love him.
*Me: what brought this relationship to an end?
She: It was that time when I felt insecure & angry after one of his insults, so when I walked away after sending him a messages expressing my anger; he kept chasing me with messages asking me to come back to talk & clear this out. He professed that he loved me & needed a chance to defend himself and that he was sick and in a very bad condition.
I felt sorry for him & returned back despite all my fears & insecurity, I thought maybe I was really too harsh on him & didn’t give him a chance to explain, I felt how much he still wants me.
* Me: then what happened?
She: I thought that we had sorted everything out, but I felt that he was withholding his emotions from me. When I asked what was wrong, he replied that he needed to be silent for a while. I respected this. He did not call for almost a week. I felt worried so I texted him. My messages were seen but I received no feedback, even when I mentioned that I was sick. Even when I expressed my love for him, he remained silent.
Then out of the blue, I found him sending me a message that he was ending this relationship forever. When I asked him to talk he refused. I started begging him and apologizing for anything that might had unintentionally happened, asking for the reasons of his decision, as it was my right to know. He replied that I was the one responsible for the failure of this relationship, and started bringing up past ‘twisted’ situations to show me that he was not mistaken, and I should take all the blame. He added that I imagined things that never happened & got hurt from words he never could had said. After he prayed asking God’s will, God told him that I was not the proper one for him!
* Me: Honey, no wonder you feel confused, exhausted & insecure. You are just out from an emotional abusive relationship!!
Dears, to be hit or punched is clearly a physical abuse; to be harassed or raped can easily be classified as sexual abuse. These are very explicit types of abuse; however, one of the most covets and mean abuse is “Emotional abuse”.
Are you in an abusive relationship? Please take the following quiz before reading part (2) of the article.
– If you want to know what “Emotional abuse” is & how to know if you’re being abused or an abuser; please click on the following link:
- Part 2: Definition & Tactics